To my friends and well-wishers…
The first day January makes me feel weird each year. For some reason, it is in my mind that this day has to be special; one needs to forget the routine life or do things differently on this day. I remember my mother used to make some sweet dishes for 1st January evenings, when I was a child. Not that we had guests coming to see us, but for some reason it was customary to eat sweet dishes. Maybe, she did so to make us (my brother and me) feel good about this day. I wonder whether she does this even today. I think I will call her tomorrow and enquire if she cooked something sweet today.
No, it was not the sweets which made me feel weird on this day. It was this thing called New Year resolutions which made me dizzy. I was never able to find a good New Year resolution for myself. And I avoided asking people (read elders in my extended family) about what to resolve as I knew the suggestion would invariably be either to finish food in time or to be kinder to my younger brother. I still do not understand why those ‘bade log’ could not understand that there is more to a child’s life than his relations with food or younger brother.
Years have passed and I am a grown up now (Well, I think I am). However, I still struggle with the idea of New Year resolutions. After a full-day of brainstorming, I have finally come up with a resolution for myself. And the resolution is that I will be more open to people. I will try to be more honest to them; about myself and about them. More than my strengths, I will expose my vulnerabilities. I will try to be closer to people, trust them more, and be true to them.
Exposing vulnerabilities, as I had written in my last post, brings people closer and strengthens the bond among them. But this idea, sometimes, sends shivers down my spine; probably because I am afraid. I am afraid of the fact that you might laugh at me if I tell you my feelings honestly. I am afraid because I think you would laugh at me after knowing some of my embarrassing weaknesses. I am afraid because I will be heart-broken if you laugh when I expect you to say (to me) “It does not matter. You are as dear to me as ever.”
I want to be honest to you; I want you to know not only my strengths but also my weaknesses. I want you to know that though I pretend to be sensible and smart all the time, there are moments when I behave like a complete jerk. I want you to know what those moments are. But as I told you that I am afraid. However, I resolve that I will try to overcome my fear and be honest to you.
But promise me that you will help me being true and honest. Won’t you?